'Vacation' with menaces.

A family of five is not easy to afford. Three menaces, fondly referred to as ‘kids’, require constant nurturing, and they are not happy if they only drain you of your savings, they drain everything you have- physique, social life, emotional peace. Yeah, I know, some short-sighted dimwits will school us on how ‘rewarding’ it is to have kids, but, well, they are short-sighted.

By the grace of God, me and my wife had survived this catastrophe and managed to raise our youngest kid to be a small 5 year old monster without completely emptying out their savings’ account. Influenced by these ‘experts’ and being naïve, we thought that taking a ‘vacation’ would bring us all ‘closer’. Who wants to get close to ‘menaces’? Also, isn’t ‘vacation’ just code for going somewhere far and continuing to take care of our kids?

However, we made our share of rookie mistakes, and ‘promised’ our kids that we would take a big vacation the following summer. The menaces were elated at the thought of ‘going out’, and jumped at the opportunity to be even bigger menaces. The ‘vacation’, though supposed to last merely one week, would be the centre of my family’s existence for well over 6 months.

One auspicious night, we called a ‘family meeting’. (Because ‘experts’ told us that making kids a part of the ‘decision making process’ was a good idea. It is not.) The first thing on our agenda was choosing our destination. This is the ‘fruitful’ conversation I had:

Me: “So, where do you all want to go?”

Child 2:”Turkey! I heard there are lots of cool guns and bombs out there. It will be like a video game.”

Child 1:”Hush! Turkey won’t be fun. Let’s go to Syria. It’s said to be just like a PUBG ‘island’. Landmines! ”

Me: “Where did you even hear about Syria?”

Child 1: “A person on the TV was saying about it. They were saying how people could dig up ‘bodies’. Treasure hunting is very popular there.”

Me: “Yeah! Sure. Syria would definitely be our last vacation then. Treasure hunting my foot! Do you, [child 3], have any suggestions?”

Child 3: “North Korea”

This was my breaking point. I promptly went to the corner of the room and proceeded to face plant multiple times. However, as experts say that loud voices make kids even more troublesome, I sucked up my anger. This was hard.

The next six months of planning, booking, packing and travelling were not exactly a ‘vacation’. We had numerous temper tantrums when I announced that our final destination was Goa. The kids threw up 7 times collectively, during the 45 minute plane-ride. They would constantly bicker amongst themselves, and had managed to pack heavy sweaters for our beach holiday.

As I sit here writing this blog, on the last day of the trip, I can positively say that I have never been more stressed. I think I need a real vacation to overcome this ’trauma’.

This experience enlightened me on how stupid ‘expert’s advice’ really is. It opened my eyes. I can see my kids to be what, they truly are- menaces.

I’m just thankful that we are not ‘bodies’ left in Syria for the next treasure hunting expedition.