Vicious Cycle of Procasination ✌️

It's 11:48 pm and as I lay in bed, cozily tucked away in my warm blanket, I can't bring myself to sleep. I'm tierd, yes, but am also feeling exceedingly guilty, and may I say, worthless. It is a difficult position to be in when you are procasinating all day, and you know it, but won't do anything to change it, and feel guilty about it afterwards. Awfully guilty. When you have no one to blame, but yourself. When no one is their to help bear the fruits of your bad actions, but you yourself. When you can sense that you are throwing worthwhile talent and opportunities out of the window, but you continue doing so day after day for no apparent reason.

With a job in hand, a mammoth task which is supposed to be spread out over a month, done in smaller chunks, and given time to, I always find myself to be burning the midnight oil the night before my deadline to finish the job in hand. Yes, I generally complete the job given to me within time, but do I do it to the best of my ability? I sacrifice quality over quantity, and do an 'acceptable' job, but not my 'best'.

This cycle keeps continuing. I get a job, I procasinate, I feel bad, woe never to do so again, and then repeat the whole cycle again.

Confronting your own flaws, to yourself, in complete honesty, in the dead of the night, is probably one of the scariest things I had ever done. But maybe one of biggest boons I have achieved.

This 'cycle' is true for a lot of aspects of my life- friends, relationships, sports, studies- but was most prominent, and 'awakening' in the case of this blog. I have been an irregular, awfully lazy blogger, and I knew it. But with no system in check, no one holding me accountable, and 'laziness' running in my blood, I had been putting it off till a point where my blog was devoid of a new blogpost for over half a year. It's not that I don't love writing blogs, it probably is one of the things I love to do the most, but still I may be too engrossed in YouTube and avoid writing one week after week.

Such nights were also quite common in the days leading up to our boards. Actually, if it hadn't been for one such night in the mid of February, I am quite sure I would have been up till 7 on the morning of our tests, still cramming up content.

And, the hardest part about breaking this cycle is that there is no one single solution. It's a constant fight, a never ending effort. I need to force myself to start, and it's a breeze after that. It's just the couple of minutes in the beginning which are tough, and fighting through that can combat procasination.